5 Stages

It has been a long time since I have written. 4 months to be more specific. I have tried to write. I have so many blogs I have started and then deleted, started and couldn't finish, wrote in my head. But I didn't understand why I couldn't just get it out there. 

Recently, though, I have been beginning to feel like I could again. Write blogs, live life, get back out there. I began to feel good.

I have been back in Southern California for 2.5 months now. My contract in Haiti ended in June, and I had no other option to come back to LA - I was literally kicked out of the country (another story for another day). And I was broken, emotional and at the bottom. It took a long time and a lot of patience to heal. But I have - mostly (sometimes what happens still haunts me...literally. Last night I dreamed I was yelling and swearing at a former colleague). At least to the point where I can deal with it in a healthy manner - while awake at least haha.
The other day, I was reading something that mentioned the 5 stages of grief. This struck me, because while I am not mourning the loss of an individual, I was losing. I was losing a situation and losing myself in it. And with that came all 5 of these stages. 

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after loss.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more ..."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay loss. Usually, the negotiation is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will lose, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "It's going to end soon so whats the point... What's the point?"
   During the fourth stage, the losing person begins to understand the certainty of the loss. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his loss or tragic event.

Some happened while I was still in Haiti, some happened here. And I will not be explaining everything that happened. But I experienced all these emotions. It was difficult. Some days it was hard to get out of bed. Some days I thought my life was over. Some days I was angry. Some days I fought to stay afloat. Some days I drowned. Some days it affected others in my life more than I wish it would have.  

But I am back. And I will be better than before. Haiti broke me; Haiti taught me. But I know I will be better because of it.

I am on my way to beauty.

From the Originator of the 5 Stages of Grief