The Strength Within

I had a dream last night that I was on a cruise ship with a whole bunch of friends, but most of the time I was alone. Everywhere I went, I was either too late or people were doing something else without me. I felt forgotten.

I think this is very indicative of my life right now. Humanitarian work is tough. It is cut-throat. And at the end of the day, at the end of the contract, you have made a lot of aquaintances, a lot of colleagues, but you all will leave. I will leave. 

I don't mean to sound melodramatic about it all. To be honest, I somewhat have a peace about it all. But for everyone who glamourises humanitarian work as 'saving the world' or so active and exciting, let me tell you. If you want this sort of life, be prepared to be alone. Be prepared to trust no one. Be prepared to rely only on yourself. 

There are 2 weeks left in my contract. And all I have to say is "WHAAATTTT??????" It went by so quickly! Now this does not necessarily mean I am leaving Haiti. But is does mean that I have to explore what my options are. I think I would love to stay here (most of the time), and right now, that is what I am pursuing. My French is just getting somewhat manageable, I am beginning to develop those strong working relationships. 

But at the same time, there is a part of me that feels like I should go. There is a part of me that is tired of not being supported, of constantly having to fight for my right to have some sort of control in what I do professionally. I am tired. I need R&R. 

There are talks about a new role developing. It's a 6-week long contract, which is only like that as a 'trial' period, and hopefully there will be room and budget for me to continue. If not, who knows. 

One other thing about humanitarian work - be prepared for your entire life to be one massive question mark. Consistently. It is consistently inconsistent. That is the guarantee.

Obviously, by this post, you can tell that there are a lot of things going on. A lot of things that I cannot share here. But, what has Haiti done to me and for me in the last 6-weeks? It has changed me. It made my work style different. It has solidified the strength that I always knew was in me. If I can make it through this on top, I can do anything. And making it on top is what I fully intend to do. 

In the meantime, let me leave you with some recent photos...

This is the future of Haiti: